Disposable Friendships, Part 2

A friend sent me an email asking about the previous disposable friendship blog, and it got me to thinking a bit more, so I'll post the reply below. Keep in mind that this was written largely due to a disappointment in a professional friendship, and as such my thoughts might be a bit biased. My basic point, and perhaps I am obscuring this with too many words, is simply this:

If you have a disagreement with somebody, friend or lover, try to talk through it with that person. Give them a chance to work out the misunderstanding with you, and at all costs avoid the temptation to discuss the disagreement with others behind your friend's back.

I am very loyal to my friends, in fact I often think of myself as behaving the way dogs do. I am quick to want to befriend somebody, only once in a rare moon electing to avoid somebody when that sixth sense kicks in. More often than not, I will gladly attempt to make a new connection, even if it is just a brief conversation with a stranger you meet fleetingly and will never see again. Life is about experiences and making new connections, and to shirk that opportunity is a tragedy.

I am fiercely loyal to my friends. I realize people are complex, we all have good moments and bad, so I don't expect perfection, and I am very understanding of mistakes. I make plenty of mistakes myself, I have more than my share of frailties, and I would hate to think that somebody would cast me aside as soon as I demonstrate a human weakness, as soon as I err. Just like in a marriage, you work through the rough times.

I can disagree with a friend, and as long as the disagreement is in good faith, I will not let that change my feelings for that person. I realize we all have different life experiences which color how we think and feel, and I am respectful of the fact that what my life may have led me to feel or believe is entirely different than what another person may perceive. In fact, in true Bay area style, I actually enjoy an intelligent debate, provided it is done respectfully, based on a reasonable set of beliefs and intellectual arguments. Indeed, in some of those cases, I've even found my original position to be changed as I discussed it with others.

As you meet a person and get to know him better, it is natural for your basic trust of one another to move forward and to increase. You may start sharing thoughts that you would not have shared before. You may discuss fears you would admit to only a handful of people in this world. You may find yourself owning up to your own shortcomings. In all of these cases, you are bridging with that person, being open and vulnerable. If the friendship is strong, then this actually strengthens it even further.

I'll expand the word "friendship" to include some selected professional relationships. By definition, professional relationships are, of course, different than purely personal ones, in large part because they are formed and continue to exist based on a financial need. Take away the paycheck or the financial incentive, and there's a good chance the friendship will cease as you no longer interact with that person. Still, even though it is not a friendship in the pure sense of the word, many of the characteristics are the same, and it is still a connection with another person. At the heart of it is that same basic question of trust. A good, solid professional friendship has at its heart a matter of mutual trust and respect, just as a personal friendship does.

Where I draw the line, where I find a friendship permanently damaged, is when the basic trust behind the friendship is violated. Unfortunately, and this is what happened to me twice so far this year, that trust was violated. In both cases, it involved backchannel discussions. In both cases, the person had a concern, but rather than discussing with me first she instead chose to go to others and discuss the matter, without letting me know she was doing so. That skewed her beliefs, changed what she thought and felt, without allowing me the opportunity to explain what I thought or felt. As I have said before, I'm perfectly comfortable with differing opinions, with airing them so that you can put them behind you. Backchannels, however, do just the opposite: They take the trust you have spent time nurturing and trash it in a heartbeat. There is, unfortunately, no way in my mind to continue a relationship, personal or professional, once that basis of trust has been violated. Trust in a friendship can only move forwards, not backwards. You cannot reach a certain level of trust, betray it, then continue at a reduced level.

I once coined a slightly risque phrase, "Trust is like virginity, you only get to lose it once." Though a little bit saucy, I think that is a reasonably accurate sentiment. We spend time developing and nurturing trust with another person, and to betray that trust is to betray that friendship.